


Silent (But Deadly) Night

by lessthanpie



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-22
Updated: 2013-12-22
Packaged: 2018-01-05 12:25:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1093855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lessthanpie/pseuds/lessthanpie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Nine-Nine crew squad room is under siege by an aggressively stinky mystery, and only teamwork will save them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Silent (But Deadly) Night

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Tiriel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tiriel/gifts).



"What is that _smell_?" Captain Holt addressed the entire squad room, but he looked directly at Peralta as he spoke. "If somebody died in here under the I assume completely stuffed up noses of an entire team of detectives and was left to rot, none of you deserve your jobs."

"As a non-detective, I have job security," commented Gina, passing by with the can of air freshener she was spraying indiscriminately at every person and thing in the room. "And yet I'm not even pointing out that whoever smelt it, dealt it."

The Captain didn't even dignify that suggestion with a look.

"Sir, I don't think you smell like you dealt anything." Santiago knew she probably should have stopped there, but she just couldn't let an opportunity to try to get on the Captain's good side pass. "You smell very fresh. Like a spring breeze."

'Thank you, Santiago," he replied, after the usual awkward pause. "Peralta, is your desk in need of an exterminator again?"

"It's definitely not me this time, Captain! Algernon is currently residing in the Pinky and the Brain Home for Former Law Enforcement Mice. Taking over the world one night at a time." Jake paused finally, seeing the Captain's unamused expression remain unchanging despite his best efforts at getting the man to crack a smile. "My desk is so clean, you could perform an autopsy on it. Which _would_ explain the smell if anyone did that. But they didn't. I'm pretty sure." He opened his top drawer and pretended to look for something vitally important as he stealthily sniffed to make sure he wasn't lying. "Yeah, it's definitely not me. But hey! Multicolored Post-its, whaaaat?!"

He held up his hand for a high five that almost never came. Just before he began to lower his hand, hoping that nobody noticed, Boyle leapt up from his own desk and slapped him some skin.

"Multicolored, all right!" He couldn't leave a buddy hanging. "I'm pretty sure the smell is coming from over on the other side of the room, anyway."

The other side of the room, where Rosa raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms over her chest. "Are you saying this part of the room stinks, Boyle?"

He stammered in response, but managed to rally. "Not you, Diaz. You smell like... like flowers and cookies."

Diaz lowered that eyebrow and raised the other one.

"Enough flirting." Gina approached Rosa with the air freshener, but took her finger off the trigger in response to her glare. She knew if she were killed today, it would just add to the smell. She preferred to know she would be missed on her own, not just as an part of whatever horrible tragedy had clearly occurred here.

"Sergeant," Captain Holt snapped, recalling the rest of the team to the point. "Is your nose up to an investigation, or do we need to get the K-9 unit in here?"

Sergeant Jeffords stood up and stretched. He rolled his head from side to side and flexed his arms to loosen up his shoulders. "I've got a nose like a bloodhound, only better. Bloodhounds don't usually train to isolate relevant scents from twin dirty diapers."

"Ew." Peralta's response did not do anything to help endear him to the Captain. "I mean, that's awesome, Sarge. Quite the specialized skill you've got there."

"Don't knock it, Jake," said Santiago. "I mean, what have you got? You're not even winning the arrest bet."

"I _am_ going to win that bet. That's what I've got." Peralta had the irritating confidence of the overly cocky. "That, and a sweet pack of multicolored Post-its. I am _unstoppable_."

"Let's have some quiet," ordered Captain Holt. "Let the Sergeant smell."

Rosa couldn't resist an opening like that, even on the Sergeant who she actually thought was pretty cool. "Since when do we have to be quiet for you dudes to smell?"

It was her turn to get a high five, from Santiago. "Good one."

"Yeah." It was definitely not a "moment", but she grinned anyway.

Both the Sergeant and the Captain shot them a quelling look, and they both rolled their eyes. 

"I, for one, look forward to seeing you work," said Boyle, hopping up to sit on his desk to better observe.

Jeffords nodded at him, and then dramatically raised his head to sniff at the air. He had to cover an urge to gag with a small cough. "Dusty," he said, taking a brief moment to steel himself as he began to sniff around the room. After a distracting detour towards Boyle's shoes, which turned out to be a false alarm, he found himself at Scully's desk. "I think this might be it."

He started with the top drawer, and then the middle, sure he was on the trail of something terrible. It wasn't in the bottom drawer, but he moved on to the wide middle drawer. "Jackpot."

He pulled out a pizza box which was clearly not very fresh. 

"God." Peralta pulled the collar of his shirt over the lower half of his face. "If we were animated right now, you would be able to see the little smell lines coming off of that."

Gina approached with her air freshener, but she hesitated to spray. "Is that flammable? Should I call the bomb squad? Get one of those robots in here?"

"We've already got Rosa, and I think she prefers the term 'android'." Jake knew he was taking his life in his hands to tease Diaz, but he liked it out on the edge, when she growled in his direction.

Before anybody had to make the decision to call in specialists, Scully returned from the men's room, newspaper tucked under his arm. "Oh, hey. I was looking for that." He lifted the lid of the pizza box and took a slice. "Sardines," he said happily, and took a bite, much to the disgust of the entire rest of the squad. "Anybody else want any? Captain?"

It was only his decade plus of experience in facing the most disgustingly depraved depths of the dregs of humanity kept Holt from gagging at the thought. "No. No thank you."

Scully shrugged. "More for me," he said, taking the box, and the stench, into the break room.

"Solved!" Gina made a checkmark in the air, and then emptied the can of air freshener in the vicinity of Scully's desk. "Bring on the next crime, Nine-Nine is on it."


End file.
